Lost in Cloverfield
by iwrestledabeartwice
Summary: An epic crackfic adventure filled with twists and turns and Clovey. Team 7 gets stranded and must find a way back home!


Disclaimer: This is a disclaimer. I don't own Naruto, of course. I don't own a chocolate factory either, for your information! Willy Wonka stole it! … that bastard.

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It was an early Thursday morning when Kakashi-sensei decided immediately upon hearing exciting news to take his students with him on an airplane trip to Tokyo. Although Tokyo was on the same island as the Hidden Village of Konoha, and it would have only taken them minimal hours to reach their desired destination by motorized vehicular transportation of some sort, the premiere event of the motion picture adaptation of his favorite novel, Make Out Paradise, would be sold out if he did not find the quickest method of travel, Kakashi predicted. He would take no chances of missing out on this historic event of his life.

He rushed the young ninjas to the airport, quickly bought airplane tickets, and took about forty-five minutes to get through security due to the apparent fact that he's a mother fucking ninja. Despite this setback, they soon found themselves on an airplane and flying in the air.

"Hey, Sasuke!" Naruto belted out, causing half of the passengers in their section to cringe or even jump in alarm.

"What the fuck, you loser! I'm sitting right next to you. You don't have to shout out at me!" an annoyed Sasuke replied.

"Sorry… I don't like this ride… I've got a bad feeling about it. I only thought making conversation would help my anxiety."

Sakura elaborated, "He's just a little unnerved by the turbulence we had upon takeoff. Give him a break, Sasuke! He's never been on an airplane before."

"Oh, and _you_ have, Sakura? None of us had even any evidence of the _existence_ of airplanes before this morning. We only saw one fly over Konoha once and, if you recall, Lee thought it was a large youthful Pokemon!" Sasuke said.

"Why Guy-sensei got him a DS, I'll never know!" Sakura added.

"He kept replying 'Pika Pika' to everything for weeks!"

Naruto had been quiet for some time now. Yet after a few moments of silence, he couldn't contain himself any longer. He turned to Kakashi sensei, who was sitting next to Sakura, three rows behind Sasuke and himself.

"Kakashi-sensei!" he shouted once again.

"Hmm?" Kakashi replied.

"Do you ever play that game Guitar Hero?"

"Sure I do!"

"Do you ever play it so much that you sometimes confuse the lyrics with the colors on the guitar?"

"Green?"

"Well, _I_ do."

SLAM! The plane was hit hard from the bottom, and split the plane in half, separating Kakashi and Sakura from Naruto and Sasuke. While Naruto screamed like an eight year-old girl in terror, Sasuke reacted by trying to get to the pilot in the cockpit (heh heh… cockpit…). The slam knocked the pilot out cold on the floor. When Sasuke got a closer look, he saw that the pilot's head had bashed the ceiling upon impact due to the fact that he was standing to get some coffee. In short, he was dead. Sasuke hurried back to Naruto.

"Come on, dope! Let's go!" Sasuke yelled above the roaring wind.

Naruto ran to grab the emergency door handle.

"No, you idiot. Focus! Just jump out the gaping hole in the rear with me! Come on!" Sasuke then jumped out of the plane where it had split and landed in water. Naruto shortly followed. "What the fuck?" Sasuke exclaimed. "Not that I'm complaining since we had to bail out of the plane, but what the hell are we doing _over water_? We were supposed to be flying over land for less than an hour!"

"I dunno." Naruto replied sheepishly, still in a bit of shock from the traumatizing experience he just endured. It's gotta be rough, even for a ninja.

"Do you still have your ticket, Naruto?"

"Yeah." Naruto got out his plane ticket. "Give it to me." Naruto handed him the ticket. "Hmm… that idiot sensei! He booked us for Tahiti!"

"How did he make that mistake?"

"I don't know, he was probably in too much of a hurry." There was a bit of a pause before Sasuke finally said, "I'm tired of treading water." Just then a big splash was heard behind Naruto and Sasuke. They turned around slowly to see the plane crash in the water and a huge tidal wave rushing their way. "Oh, shit!"

"Run!" Naruto exclaimed.

"We can't _run_ in water!"

"SWIM!"

They both swam for their lives, but in vain. The tidal wave crashed upon them and the next thing they knew, they were waking up to a deserted island.

Naruto was the first to awaken. He looked around and saw Sasuke lying on the ground right next to him. He couldn't, however, find Sakura or Kakashi. He walked along the beach looking for them, but after a few hours, he ran back into Sasuke again, who was now awake.

"Hey, Sasuke!"

"What is it, now?"

"I can't find Sakura-chan or Kakashi-sensei anywhere."

"Oh, no! Alone with you! On a deserted island! Oh… my… GOD!"

"Calm down! We don't know if it's deserted yet or not!"

"Thank God!"

"So let's try to keep our cool and make ourselves a place to sleep."

"But didn't the narrator state that we woke up on a deserted island a paragraph or two before the dialogue started?"

"Stop breaking the fourth wall!"

"The what-now?"

"Let's make shelter!

"Yeah! You make yours, and I'll make mine!"

"Yea…wait! Shouldn't we work together to make a sturdy shelter? Haven't you seen those movies where bitter friends make separate shelters, of which both are usually total shit-piles?"

"You're a shit-pile!"

"Fuck you, then! I'll make my own shit-pile and it'll stink much better than yours!" "Stop making System Of A Down references!" This final shout from Sasuke's ever-flaming lips caused a landslide nearby. As both he and Naruto ran for their lives into the forest, they eventually ended up at the opposite end of the beach when they ran out of breath as well as land to run on in a straight line. When they looked up, they witnessed a terrible sight, the back half of the plane they were passengers on.

"Hey, Naruto!" Sasuke finally said, "Didn't you scour this entire beach before?"

"I thought you were asleep when I left."

Sasuke referred to a short book for his response, "It says here, 'He walked along the beach…but after a few hours, he ran back into Sasuke again…' which implies you explored the entire beach!"

"Dammit! What did I say about the fourth wall?"

"What the fuck is the…" Sasuke started to ask, but was interrupted by the splash of cool water on his smooth epidermis as Naruto dived underwater.

Naruto swam into the submerged plane through where it had broken apart and saw Kakashi still sitting in his seat, book in hand. Naruto tried to grab it, but his cold, dead hands would not let go of it. He swam back out the hole and up to the surface to catch his breath. He immediately swam back down. He looked at Kakashi again. He grabbed his mask and prepared to remove it, but it, too, would not budge. Naruto pulled and pulled, but it would not come off. Naruto looked closely at it. Kakashi had glued the edges of his mask to his face with some industrial adhesive. What an asshole! Naruto eventually gave up and looked around for Sakura, but could not find her. He swam back out the hole and up to the surface again, then swam back to shore. Sasuke was staring in different directions into the jungle with the Sharingan. Naruto walked up to him. "What's up?"

"I sensed something other than us on this island."

"So this place _isn't _deserted? What the hell, man?"

"It's just one thing!"

"Sakura-chan?"

"She wasn't on the plane?"

"No, just Kakashi-sensei… It wasn't pretty."

"Damn it! She's still alive!"

"What do you mean? Sakura-chan being alive should make you happy!"

"You're happy because _you_ like her."

"You _don't_?"

"No!"

"Oh, well this is news to me! Why didn't anyone ever tell me?"

"Wasn't it obvious?"

"I never noticed."

"Naruto-baka!"

"Shut up!"

"Don't scream that too loud again."

"Oh yeah, the landslide."

"Yeah." There was a long, awkward silence. Then, a loud rumble shook the island, startling both Sasuke and Naruto. They stared into the jungle for a while. Sasuke's eyes widened as he gasped.

"What is it, Sasuke?" Naruto asked.

"Naruto… I haven't read too far into this story, but I think the plot is about to thicken."

"Goddammit! What did I say about the…"

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_End of Chapter I_


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